It’s our wedding anniversary this weekend. Twenty-one years we’ve walked down this road called marriage. Two thirds of our relationship. We spent the ten years before that forging the ties of friendship.
Over 24 years of being together as a couple, our experiences are rich and varied. From the vantage point of kids almost out of school, looking back across our lives together (with the help of digital photos to remind me of the millions of moments that have led to this here and now), I’m reminded that life is a winding, undulating road with ups and downs. Like all journeys, often it’s easy and fun. The sun shines and the road is well paved. But sometimes you’re trekking uphill for hours on end, in the rain, with blisters on your feet.
We’ve travelled together, raised kids together, faced loss together. We’ve celebrated, laughed, cuddled together, and consoled and relied on each other. But we’ve also navigated times of frustration and disappointment in each other and ourselves. Times when our expectations weren’t aligned, our communication was shoddy, and our mental health wasn’t top notch.
I suspect there might have been times when we might not have even liked each other that much. Not many times, and not for long, because our friendship and shared experiences date back decades. But I’m sure there must have been moments along the way when we imagined ourselves living some other life. That’s life. It’s a road not short of pot-holes.
The point is, though, we’ve grown together. Both as a couple-unit, and as the individuals that make it up. And we are here, I think, because we like and love each other and as a result, we’re committed to turning up and making it work even when that feels hard. Plus, you know – great sex, deep friendship, largely aligned values and a willingness to see the best in each other. And a determination to connect and talk about things.
Looking back, and from a place where we’ve carved out a way of being that respects both our autonomy and our togetherness, I see places where the road could have easily diverged.
Raising children is exhausting. It’s worth it, but it’s definitely not easy – not for women, but also not for men. We worked out, perhaps only after the fact, that when it comes to parenting there is just too much for even two people to get done. You’re tired all the time. You’re constantly on and responsible. And you’re living a different life to the one that happens when you’re 31 and childfree – which weirdly enough comes as a bit of a surprise to everyone. I don’t know why, but there you go. Battling through those early years, trying to remember we were more than just the roles we had at the time, and enjoying the very many good bits along the way, took a lot of communication, shared responsibility, give and take, and the grace to give each other a break when the other in the relationship might not be at their very best. If I make this sound like it was easy, it wasn’t. I think we mostly learned by trial and error. Nothing important seems to come with a manual.
It’s not just children, though. Life itself is a pilgrimage of sorts, from birth to death, along which you learn what you’re made of, what matters to you and who you want to be. It’s a road of discovery, or perhaps more truly stated, a process where we are revealed to ourselves through the experiences we have. Having a family takes up a big chunk of it, but alongside that we all have our own internal dreams and desires. We are each of us independent beings with things we want to achieve, explore and create in this one life we have. I think a big secret to our marriage is that we’ve worked to ensure we respect each other as individuals – focusing not only on who we are as a couple, but who we are as people. When you choose to travel the road of life in the company of another – in a shared way – it works for the best when both companions have a commitment to helping each other walk into their dreams and potential.
Maybe you’re getting the sense that marriage is a negotiation. Not a single negotiation that culminates in a white dress, red roses and drinking champagne to the sound of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. A series of negotiations, within the context of a commitment to love each other, to care for each other and to look out for each other as whole, individual people – rather than just the other half of a couple. I know it takes time to learn this. And maybe that is what a successful marriage is actually about. Learning.
On a podcast the other day I heard the following – “I wish there was a way to recognise the good times.” It stuck with me this line because life is full of curve balls, but it is also full of good times. And it is on us to walk together and beside each towards future good times when we find ourselves caught in moments of hardship and frustration.
I feel very privileged to have married my bestie 21 years ago. I feel so blessed to have, between us, created the wonderful humans who are our nearly adult children. I wouldn’t change anything, even the moments where we stood glaring at each other in the rain with blisters on our heels. Because that is how we carved out the right space for us both to live the lives we want to live now. A life full of good times.
Onwards!
Sharlene
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