Reflections from Middle Age

Last month it was my dad’s birthday. This is the first time since he passed away (11 years ago) that I haven’t written some sort of a birthday tribute to him.   

I’ve been wallowing in a funk of negativity that has made it hard to write something meaningful. 

All around us humanity seems to be falling apart at the edges. I say seems because that’s all we are fed by news and social media.

Selfishness, fear, and tribalism seem on the rise. From the no vote to jihadi terrorism to acts of war. Drone attacks, displacement, rape, kidnapping, children killed by bombs, the deliberate dehumanising of others, the rise of religious conservatives and right-wing diehards who don’t care about important things like women’s rights or equality or freedom or democracy, and by extension therefore, the suffering of others. 

Chaos and disruption from around the world pour through our screens and into our minds, and I’ve allowed the flaws and failures of humans playing at humanity, the focus of the media I consume, to take up residence in my head. Leaving me feeling a little depressed and a lot hopeless.

And yet, really, there is so much to celebrate and take hope from. 

Theoretical physicists will tell us that the universe tends towards chaos. And evolutionary biologists (and mere observation) will note that life, in every quarter, is about the struggle of survival. Human history is replete with endless displays of war and conquest, cruelty, hardship. Dictators and territorial disputes are nothing new. It is the norm. 

We are social primates that live in hierarchical structures. Power seeking, status signalling, self-interest are the products of our ape-brains just doing their thing. Our brains are evolved to protect us and help us procreate, not to live well or be happy, and so many of our reactions come from this automated place. Flying flags, choosing sides, resorting to violence, dehumanising / othering. These things do not a civilised society make, but they are to be expected. 

What makes humans special, however, is our capacity for collaboration and connection. That requires conscious choice. Mindfulness. Applying our volition towards longer term gain and mutual benefit. And the evidence of our ability to achieve this is everywhere, if we just remember to look. From the Magna Carta to the UN Charter of Human Rights. From laws that protect freedom of speech and outlaw discrimination, to those that gave women the vote, and people the right to a fair and free trial, and protect animals from suffering. Maybe the situation in the Middle East would be much resolved if both sides, at the highest levels, realized the power of compassion, empathy and kindness as stabilizing forces of civilization.

There is a choice here between despair and celebration.

We can despair at how long it has taken to get women the same voting, driving and financial rights as men (or that there is still so much work to be done here), or we can celebrate that humans, a species of animal – one of the great apes – has managed to overcome our in-built biases, evolutionary programming and socio-cultural indoctrination to move the dial at all towards equality. We can despair that humans kept slaves and burned women at the stake, or we can celebrate that we’ve moved towards a more civil way to exist.

I’ve been in a despairing state of mind. But despairing about the human condition is a waste of our precious time and limited mental energy. Because, despite the ever-present worst elements of our nature, there is so much joy and wonder to experience in life. If only we are mindful to do so. 

Magnificent acts of creativity, joyous moments of sexual passion, a glorious sunset, the kindness of a stranger, the way music moves through us and moves us in turn. The simple pleasure of conversation. The hug of your teenage son and a mumbled “love you mom”. Friendship. A walk through the bush. A shared laugh with your daughter. Or your mom. The sound of rain on your tent and the way it looks on water. The very existence of Flame Trees – an ode to joy if there ever was one. Dogs. The love of a partner.

Here is the thing. Death and decay should remind us that life is short. It is short and precious, and can (and will) be lost in the moment of a heartbeat. What we choose to engage with, how we choose to be in the world, is all we have control over. 

I have some fish ornaments on my mantelpiece. I bought them in Fiji about two weeks after my father’s funeral. We went into a shop and a large man was singing and playing “Somewhere over the Rainbow” on his acoustic guitar. The island version. I love that song. It brought tears to my eyes, as that song always does, for it is something I strongly associate with my dad. 

Life is full of these strange moments of connection. Reminders of the meatiness of life – the joy that comes from love, and the gap that comes from loss. Loss only felt because you loved in the first place. We can focus on the loss. We can focus on the brevity of life or the stupidity or cruelty of our fellow humans. Or we can focus on the joy that comes from paying attention to the right things, from acting with kindness and compassion, and from a place of hope. Seeing these fish ornaments yesterday reminded me of this.

It is a statistical absurdity that you, you personally, exist. The odds are ridiculously, fantastically infinitesimal. There are just so many ways for there to be someone or something else here instead of you. But here you are, one moment in the history of the universe. Not only a little piece of the universe that is alive, but one that is conscious and able to experience life in all its hues and shades. To make meaning from it. To find joy in it. 

We are gifted this one wild and magnificent life by fate and circumstance, and what we do with it is up to us. I, for one, am going to aim for joy, connection, kindness and compassion. For less screen time, less news, less social media, and more outdoors, more family, more adventure, more acts of creativity, more fun. What about you?

Onwards,

Sharlene

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